The following is a guest piece by this month’s guest blogger, Roberta Hill. Roberta “complains” she has too many fingers in too many pies. It seems the older she gets the more interests she discovers. Lately she has been calling herself a digital nomad. She writes three blogs, runs an online assessment business and maintains a coaching practice. In her real life, parenting is her recent challenge. She tells me, it is the most worthwhile, time consuming and difficult role she has ever assumed. You can read more of her insights on leadership and personal development on her blog.
While the focus on leadership is important, it is my opinion that good management is a lost skill in “Corporate America”. This may be a reflection on the well being of our family structure as well. Leadership is an interesting topic and since taking on the role of a parent, I have found that the family is the best microcosm of larger corporate organizations.
I have always considered myself a pretty good manager and by association tend to assume I am a good leader. Don’t misunderstand me; I do recognize the difference. I stepped out of the corporate world years ago and my formal role of managing others ended. Since then, I have been the Chair on a few non-for-profit boards. I have coordinated large projects with consultants. I coach executives on how to be global leaders. Surely I know how to lead! Looking at how well I parent, I often wonder.
In my family, I organize, plan, control and direct.1 I use my power effectively and I balance coercion, reward, position and even informational influence. Things get done. However, I am not sure I inspire my children. I can motivate then to do what I think needs doing; but not sure I fully engage them. Am I stuck in the sixties? Am I a good manager but not a modern leader?
I am a strong believer that families need to be managed effectively, but do they need leadership as well? My answer is yes. My dilemma is that I am not convinced that one person can do it all. Let us take a closer look at four corner stones that I have identified as critical for being a Good Parent as well as a Leader of Character.2 These four are essential leadership strengths that I hope to explain from the parental perspective.
1. Transparency – We tell our children everything that is within their understanding to grasp. I do not believe in pretending things are perfect when they are not. While it means discretion, as a leader we give others all the necessary information. Otherwise, it makes everyone crazy and second guessing everything. In practice, it is about telling the truth and being clear and authentic.
2. Consistency – Children need freedom but within boundaries. While the idea of structure is a needed management skill, the ability to provide consistency (especially in times of change or uncertainty) is a leadership skill. Otherwise, no one feels safe. In practice, it is about providing stability and continuity.
3. Confidence – We need to remain emotionally connected to inspire our children. This way they feel competent to expand their horizons. It means eventually separating from us. The leadership aspect is one of having a bigger impact on the world by enabling others. Otherwise, no one can think or trust him or herself. In practice it is about developing creativity and allowing independence.
4. Positivity – I only “discovered” this from a dear friend, wonderful mother and past business partner, Ginger Ward-Green. I hate to confess that while I work on this competence, I often fail miserably. Ginger once gave me this advice as the one thing I could do to create a positive environment for my children. “Try to figure out a way to say yes to their requests.” This leadership skill involves diplomacy and negotiation. Otherwise, everyone will see problems instead of possibilities. In practice this is about feeling connected and hopeful about the future.
“The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order.” Alfred North Whitehead
Transparency and consistency are the anchors while confidence and positivity are the catalysts for change. Modesty aside, I think my talent in the family is providing the anchor of stability. Good news; my partner does the latter two very well. How well do you do on each of these four? Are they all covered?
My conclusion is that leadership, like in a family, often requires more than one person. Individually I may be a good leader but in combination with another I have the potential to provide outstanding leadership. This affirmation is particularly useful when I am feeling like I am not being the best parent I could be.
1 For one of the best discussions of the 5 core functions of management, see R. Alec Mackenzie’s seminal article The Management Process in 3-D from HBR, Nov 1969 http://hbr.org/1969/11/the-management-process-in-3-d/ar/1.
2 My thoughts on this have crystallized lately thanks to the work and Tilt360 Leadership Model developed by Pam Boney. http://tilt360leaders.com
Thank you Roberta, we do bring the same person to both roles, Parent and manager and I love the way you differentiate those roles from leadership. You define the cornerstones which are important anchors and necessary before any vision can be clarified, shared and realized with confidence and positivity. Thank you for sharing this on Tanveer's blog.
Richard,
Let me thank you for your kind words. This post really brought together my work role and my real work as a parent. It is the chrysalis stage of some of my recent thinking and it’s an honour to share it first here on Tanveer’s blog. I know that he and his readers share both a systems perspective and a recognition of the privilege of leading others in the myriad of circumstances.
I hope to elaborate more over the next few months on my own blog.
Roberta
Thanks Roberta. It’s my pleasure to have you share your thoughts on leadership here on my blog. And of course, I love the connections you draw between being a leader in an organization to being a parent to children. The common thread between both is understanding that to succeed in the role requires putting your own self-interests aside and focus instead on doing what’s in the best interests of others to grow and succeed.
Thanks again, Roberta, for sharing these thoughts of yours here with my readers. Looking forward to reading what you’ll be building on this foundation.
I loved the advice to “try to say yes.” I think that is probably the most important piece of advice in demonstrating you’re listening and you’re trying for the win-win advocated by Stephen Covey. Thanks for reminding me!
Incidentally, I think you can also identify who the leader is in a family by who everyone turns to for decision-making and handling emergencies. At other times, it may be whoever has the most knowledge or the largest investment, but for important decisions and emergencies, it’s the person who everyone trusts.
Mary, Glad it was useful. Over the years, Ginger’s advice has been so valuable to me but perhaps this was the greatest piece of wisdom. I like how you tie it back to Covey.
As for who the members go to in emergencies you are probably right – in my case it is my partner. I like to think I make the major decisions but who is kidding who. I do get called to kill the spiders. Go figure. Hey, isn’t that an emergency?
I enjoyed this post for a couple of reasons.
First, family leadership or management dynamics lend themselves to how leaders perform in the workplace. And, from a small business perspective there is a direct relationship between family values and company values played out as culture by business owners.
There are a couple examples of this provided by Jack Lee, CEO of 4Refuel (A Canadian Franchiser) and Jason Levin, CEO of Dos Gringos – the largest sun flower producer in the US in the book TIGERS Among Us – Winning Business Team Cultures and Why They Thrive (Amazon.com). There is an excellent correlation between what was posted in this blog and the book for business owners.
Second, mothers know that by guiding children to accept responsibility for the consequences of their actions in a loving and supportive way, children are able to learn important lessons at a young age when the stakes are low so that they can learn from their mistakes and grow to be responsible and collaborative adults.
This starts as early as age two when a child learns that some behaviors result in not achieving what they want so when they do succeed they experience success and from this success build indepenedence and accountability as they proceed into grade school.
Once independence is appropriately achieved through cause and effect, a youth learns how to be competitive and achieve goals. From this point growth stage, learning how to be collaborative evolves. I think the high divorce rate in this country shows that many young adults have not mastered independence to move forward in life as collaborative partners.
Finally, transparency and working toward fairness at home and in the workplace builds understanding. It builds empathy. And, it builds trust.
Enjoyed reading this post.
Dianne Crampton – Friend Me
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Diane, what a wonderful extension of what I wrote. I appreciate you building upon what I have postulated and taking the time to add more from your perspective.
I have been thinking a lot about how the family is also a micro version of organizational teams so, thank you for the reference to you the book. And I find your comment, "I think the high divorce rate in this country shows that many young adults have not mastered independence to move forward in life as collaborative partners." very provocative. Worth pursuing.
Let's continue the dialogue here and hopefully later on my own blog.
Roberta, I just found your post back 304 weeks ago. Life has occurred. It would be good to explore family/leadership/cooperation dynamics.
It was interesting. A mentor of mine took an active exercise I created to teach the principle-backed behaviors( in the book I referred to earlier ) into marriage encounter workshops. He developed this side activity as his pay-it-forward activity.
So, yes. Families are a ripe ground for discovery.
Most recently a group and I have been discussing the role in society today and whether people are born with it or not. We were looking at research on how kids are taught in the home.
So, yes, families and leadership.